The fear of death had tormented me from childhood. During my pregnancy with my second child, Jordan, I was severely plagued by it. Irrational fears plagued my mind. Was the baby going to die? Was I going to die while giving birth to him? Shortly before the baby was due, a goldfinch began appearing at my living room window. Out of curiosity I looked up what a goldfinch represented- it signified –being close to God’s heart. At the time this did not mean much to me, so I set it aside.
Well, Jordan was born a big, strong, healthy boy! I also came through just fine. But then the fear of something terrible happening to him began to bother me; eventually I was totally consumed by it. I had no peace or joy in my life. One day I was so sick and tired of this oppression that I yelled out loud, “Spirit of fear get out of here NOW!” Nothing seemed to have happened except that I noticed a weird taste in my mouth. And then a thought came to me, “This is just an opportunity to learn how to walk in victory.” As I began to speak those words I felt both strength and freedom! It was then I realized: that bad taste in my mouth was actually the deliverance from the spirit of fear, and God had set me free from it! Today Jordan is my precious reminder of when I was set free from fear. The goldfinch? It is a reminder of God’s great love and closeness to me.
Depression is yet another demon I have had to deal with throughout my life. Crazy as it sounds- I never was able to recognize it as depression. I thought this way of thinking was just “normal” that it was my personality. I began to realize that this was not normal and I wondered what it would feel like to be truly “happy”. The though of taking medication for depression made me feel like a weak Christian; I believed I just needed to be stronger and try to overcome it with God’s help. But after my son was born, I hit an all time low; I became so depressed that I could not even care for my new baby or the rest of my family. I ended up going back to see the doctor because I was always tired. She asked me how my moods were, and I broke down. She suggested I go on an anti-depressant and I reluctantly agreed. It wasn’t fair for my family to have to deal with me in this state. Even so, after a time I thought about going off the meds, but then in my reading I happen to come across two different Christian leaders’ viewpoints on anti-depressants which helped my perspective on the issue immensely; one likened it to telling a diabetic to stop taking insulin and just spend more time with God. The fact is that some depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain anti-depressants are needed to help with it. Now I know undoubtedly that it was God that had directed and ordered each of my steps in this situation and that His Word is true! My husband and I are now expecting our third child and we look forward to the adventure with joy and anticipation!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.